Dancing Around Your Heartbeats

35. Walking On A Dream

2009-02-24T09:55:44Z

I've done it. I've completely lost touch with reality. My imagination flutters so far from me that I can barely pay attention to what is really happening in front of me. I am in and out of casual conversations. I spend most of my free time planning for unreachable goals. Most of my goals have always been "unreachable," though, and I've always done them... Who knows? Life is still good, I can't complain, but I feel when I get off this cloud, I'll be lost. I fall in love with too many ideas.
Please...
Get
Me
Back
Down...

Maybe downunder? I want to move to Australia. I have a place to stay, a few friends...ish. I will have the timing to do it. I will have the funds to do it.
I don't know if I'd have the strength to do it. Or the support to do it. And they only have ranch dressing at Subways... What would I do without?

I get bored with normal living so easily...

Humm...

34. Burn The Past Away.

2008-11-10T10:07:36Z

i guess i'm getting tired of this finally, but i probably don't really mean it. people are waiting and watching and they know. oh, they know. and the looks and the lies and the disappointment play such a large role on the original intentions. this coming from the people who get the looks more, tell all the lies, and are more disappointing than i could ever be. your eyes are covered and they are ever so convincing. i was there in the beginning, but when i watched you move, i knew we couldn't be right. at the end of the day i come to my own apartment to lay in my own bed all alone without anyone else's words lingering around. the looks, the lies, the disappointment doesn't matter when i close my eyes at night.
at the end of the night, i know it's all still lingering with you, reconsideration.
at the end of the night, i will look at your differently for it, lie and say that it doesn't, and be disappointed in you so much.

maybe this is my problem. looking for somewhere to place the blame.
it's fear covered up with adamancy. it's comfort in repetition. it's discomfort in repetition.

don't be fooled_
life.
is.
good.

and i don't care if you can't understand.

31. Picking scabs.

2008-09-13T07:52:07Z

I never let anything heal.

25. Aren't We Worthy, Worthier?

2008-08-02T21:02:51Z

And no matter how I twist my words. No matter how much I try to not make sense. No matter how much I talk in such broad subjects that can mean anything in the world. You understand.
And no matter how many times you come. No matter how many times you go. No matter how many times you're gone and distracted for months. No matter how many times we repeat our cycle. You come again.

Why do you think we keep coming back to this story time after time?

18. You Don't Recover From a Night Like This

2008-06-06T09:11:18Z

I hear movement, but I can't even see the shadows. There is static and I think it's just the roar of the air conditioner.
I need to see the faces and hear the voices, although it is making me physically sick.
It's like a seeing a bad car accident. It's hard to watch, but you can't seem to look away.
But somehow you're involved. And it's getting worse by each passing second.

I was kept in the dark, and plotted against.
I'm not used to this, but I couldn't have expected anything less.

Now you're in the car. It is you in this accident.
The car is on fire and you can see your full tank of gas leaking out slowly.
You can't get out of the car. You can't do anything. And nobody can help you at this point.
All you can do is watch and wait. You know an explosion is coming, but you have to wait for it.

This is my life, but not my real life, you see.
A fake reality. Child's play.
And outside this box is everything seperate and uninformed of this alternate life.
I think after the explosion this is what I will return to.

16. A Million Hours Left To Think Of You & Think Of That

2008-04-22T07:07:18Z

i've known what i've wanted to say for months.
but you weren't in my phone book anymore.
tonight my mind erased and my throat got dry.
and i tried to piece together the mess of thoughts i had into something that would make sense.
"perfect sense."

...if you say so.

it's funny how that only happens in these sort of situations.
and it wasn't a case of nerves, it's just that i actually care about you.
and i would never tell you that, although that's what you waited months to hear.
the reason things are the way they are now is because i would never tell you that.
it is funny how things work out...

and i'll still never tell you that.

15. You're Bad News, You Make Me Bad News

2008-04-21T07:03:50Z

finger tip to finger tip and i'm avoiding eye contact.
it is almost too simple to screw up so i take my chances.
this is the part where i stop caring and just live without thinking about tomorrow.
without thinking about the conciquences. oh, but there are conciquences...

i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to handle this upcoming sticky situation that i can't avoid.
and i wish these came with instruction manuals. i don't know which way to go.

i saw the sunrise from the bridge this morning and spent the rest of the time in cobwebs.
i think strip clubs should be open 24 hours a day, because you just get in those moods at the weirdest times, ya know?

i still have marks on my hands from the night before, but they're fading.
but it all does in time.

i'm happy, but i don't know what is going on, and i'm sure it has been a while since i've seen you.
sometimes i wish i were a better friend, but i'd rather not disappoint you, or get your hopes up.
i leave in a few days and i won't be back for a while.
i don't have plans to be around before i leave, if that makes sense.
and i'm guessing you won't even realize i left, as i am not gonna make a big deal about leaving, anyway.

if all goes as planned, once i return, i will be leaving once again soon after.
it doesn't matter where i am, i just don't want to be in one place for too long.

12. Whoa-ho There Is Something in the Air

2008-04-12T16:38:43Z

realizations that the way my mind wanders makes me deserving of whatever it is that i have coming to me ...

typical.
pulling away before you can hold me too tight.

i have a habit of this.
detachment.

and how the smallest rock throws the whole train off the tracks.
and how i only like the mystery before the innocence comes out.

... // we can look back on this, but we won't remember.

11. Lovers Under Cover

2008-04-10T18:29:34Z

after being single for over a year, having crushes is like the worst feeling in the world. hahaha
forgetting the basics.
i never know what i want.
yet i'm so fucking giddy.
i forgot about that.

this egg donation thing is so stressful, on top of three jobs and finals.
i can't wait to leave for three weeks and just do nothing.

10. The Difference Between Countries.

2008-03-09T21:17:45Z

and now that you see
how well i'm doing
you want back in
but this time you're gone for good.
and after a year i think it is time you ^stop trying.

=]

it's good to see you.
it's good to see you go...

08. This House is Not a Home

2008-03-03T18:41:29Z

I miss when I could put a dish in the sink at night, and it be gone in the morning.
Or when my trash wasn't completely overflowing.

It is the little things you don't notice when you're living with your parents.
I miss those.

I also miss my mom a lot.

I seriously haven't lived here since I've moved in.
I am only here to sleep for three hours, then I go out again.
I just want days to relax and enjoy my place. Clean. Cook. Whatever.

I STILL need to UNpack.

07. New Space, Welcome New Place

2008-02-20T06:59:28Z

I moved out on Sunday. I officially have a place to myself. It is quite empty right now, but it is getting homier each day with new pieces of furnature. A man from the cable/internet company nicely gave me free cable this morning. There is $50 a month that I am now saving.

Third floor.
Beautiful view of a lake, turtles, birds, and million dollar mansions.

I am doing pretty damn swell.

How are you?

06. Not An Open Book

2008-02-08T03:02:18Z

I push others away when they get too close. Nobody can ever get close.
I guess you can call this a commitment issue. A trust issue.
And although I would love to fix this, I guess I'm fine with it for now.
I know it bothers a lot of people, but I can't help it.
Everyone just tries to talk feelings with me. I don't do that.

Imagine trying to have a serious talk with someone... expressing how you feel. Trying to get at least some type of feedback.
Imagine them staring blankly at you. Not saying a word. Deep breath. Then nothing.

That is me.

I'm sorry.

05. It WAS Super!

2008-02-06T07:25:25Z

Super Bowl night at Brittani and Alli's was fun... at least for me considering I was the only one really drunk. I don't think any of us watched the game. Here are some of the pictures, although I'm missing quite a few. Beer, Smirnoff, Southern Comfort, and Bacardi shots out of measuring cups due to lack of shot glasses. Ha...

So awkward moment of the week?
I actually feel bad about getting in between a non-relationships of people I have never met.

What did everyone else do for Super Bowl Sunday?

04. Freedom is Better Than Chains

2008-02-02T09:57:28Z

I've come to find that I'd rather have wings of my own than butterflies in my stomach.

Single is the way to be.

03. You Schmoose, You Lose.

2008-01-31T05:00:17Z

I like it when boys talk...

It makes me want them less. =)

02. Blabber On, Blabber On.

2008-01-31T04:24:44Z

So I'm saving all my secrets for a deaf man.

Where, oh where, did my motivation go?
The longer my to-do list gets, the more I sit still.

01. New Livejournal

2008-01-30T07:34:01Z

Time for a change.
Time for a new LJ.

I will mostlikely have a mix of friends-only and public entries,
so please do add me anyway. <3